She goes vivid and filth

I want to cry. Or… I don’t in fact. Feels like crying soon.

Feels just sad right now. And confused because I feel that I might have ADHD. I have felt that way a long time. But I haven’t any idea for who I should call? Which type of doctor? Or someone else first?

And if I would have ADHD, so what? I might need help with some problems. Like ripping my fingers and foots in obsessive way. And feeling so much anxiety and bad feeling, I almost can’t handle it alone anymore. But…
…these things have nothing to do with ADHD and still I feel like it could be answer for many things: feeling like idiot all the time, losing my self-assurance, failing with social situations, losing my mind when facing some problems, wasting all my money so easily…

And if I don’t have any problem with my brains, I would possibly feel even more bad like “right, I just tried to find excuses for being lazy and stupid. Nothing is wrong, I’m just lazy and stupid and pathetic because I try to find excuses.”

Why I have to be so fucking… something. I don’t even know. Ugly or something.
I have tried to found dress for my graduation. I started months before I even knew I will graduate. I have tried many different types of dresses but everytime I look like chicken. Or some stupid little girl with ugly, unnatural smile.

It’s my problem with every clothing: when I don’t try to look good, I look like some freaking mutant. And when I try to look good, I look unnatural bimbo and everybody are laughing like “oh good, what the fuck have you done….”

Too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too much scars, too pale, looks like whore, looks like potato sack, so boring, too much everything….
I’m too much everything, at the same time. It’s good to be so multitalent about looking like shit.